I Would Rather Be In Bed

Writing is therapy for me, it always has been. I don’t do well with traditional therapy, talking to a stranger about my problems just is not for me. Give me a computer and a quiet corner? Whamo! Problem solved. The whole world can know about my problems if they really want to.

Anyways, I’m going to dust off this blog and prove to you that if you think your brain is messy? Don’t worry, we all have a vat of holy disaster going on up there. Some people just happen to be better at keeping it in line, or even better…have healthy coping mechanisms.

I know…what are those? I don’t know either.

I left ER nursing about two years ago. I struggle with that a lot of days. ER nursing was something I truly enjoyed, the adrenaline, the feeling of working as a team to save a life, the feeling of making a difference often, the complete and total attention it took. A lot of times it was my saving grace to keep my brain out of the gutter. I don’t know if anyone who will read this has experienced that complete immersion in your work where no other life problem is present in your mind.

It’s a magical trip away from life stressors and sometimes it ends in something rewarding. In nursing, sometimes it doesn’t. Nursing is a whole barrel of PTSD monkeys I won’t go into right now. However, I had a patient yesterday in the recovery room who was very ill after his surgery that required a lot of my time and effort to make well again. Not the kind of patient we get often in the recovery room. Generally, my job there is very routine and patients more on the well side than not.

I miss ER nursing. I miss the mental break it gave me from myself. However, ER nursing became toxic to the point it was giving me more mental stress than it was relieving, and I had to leave. I miss the actual job, not the politics and the more, more, more….faster, faster, faster…demands of administration.

Getting back to my situation yesterday, my patient reminded me of that feeling of a mission and that immersion of getting away from any reality aside from the puzzle in front of you because literally someone’s life is dependent on you. For two hours my brain was empty of everything but that man’s life and I left work yesterday feeling ten feet tall.

I didn’t think about the Ukraine and Russia and my family members that are all in the military. I didn’t think about my upcoming MRI that may determine if I need surgery. I didn’t think about my friends and the hard times they’re having right now. I didn’t think about my children and the problems they are currently going through. I didn’t think about finances. I didn’t think about appointments to remember. Taxes that need paid. Registration that needs renewed. I didn’t think about ANYTHING that is weighing me down.

It was the not thinking about it that reminded me HOW MUCH is truly in my brain every single day. It was the not thinking about it that reminded me how few breaks I get from thinking about it. My brain doesn’t have a shut off button. It only has a distraction button.

I doubt anyone really has a shut off button. You just feel your brain circling and circling and circling to the point of insanity! Believe me, I understand.

So, here’s my thoughts, after yesterday, and experiencing what I call…an epiphany of my own.

Some people have found their distraction button, my fiancé has, he’s very good at using it. He has like 357 of them and he can flip any of them at the drop of a hat. Cooking, airplanes, plants, exercise, guns, smoking meats…I don’t even know what else. He’s so well adjusted it’s sickening. I tell him so regularly. He doesn’t understand why I’m not. We have stand offs about it at least once a month while I lay on the floor in despair. IT’S FINE. (No, but really, we cool.)

I have like one and it’s partially defective, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I love to read but sometimes my mind is too occupied to do it. Apparently, I also like to fix people but that just isn’t in the cards for me all the time.

Seriously though, find your distraction button. Find the one thing that takes your brain completely and totally over every. single. time. Without fail. It’s going to take time; it’s probably not going to be the first thing you try or it might not even be the thing you want it to be.

You might want it to be the gym so you can get RIPPED. It might not be. You might want it to be gardening. Listen, even if you kill every plant you have but you LOVE IT. KEEP DOING IT. You’ll figure it out. Even if you start painting and it looks like a smudge or a woolly mammoths BUTT, KEEP PAINTING, you’ll get better. You want to start studying cow dung? I mean…you do you, boo. I’m here for it. If you love animals GET A HUNDRED. Like, have a farm first though. I don’t know, live dangerously.

Find something that gives your brain a break. So you don’t want to up and quit life every single day.

You got this. We got this.

I’m on a mission to find my perfect distraction button. We can do it together.