I Would Rather Be In Bed

I stare at a blank screen so long and so often these days that I wonder if there are any words left inside of me. I’ve tried cultivating this new me attitude and thoughts, but something still weighs me down. I have everything a normal human could need or want and still something is missing and I have no idea what. There is just this blank space inside me that I can’t seem to fill. I want to read books, every book I can get my hands on, but my mind wanders off into oblivion when I try and read.

I want to write, finish my next novel, share thoughts on Instagram, feel like I’ve made some dent in space somewhere, but so often my mind goes blank when presented with a fresh page to type on. Perhaps it is the depressing mood of the many events I’ve lived through in the past year. I saw a quote the other day that was intended as satire but it said “I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event” and I really cannot emphasize how much I relate to that.

I’m perfectly fine to go back to a time when there wasn’t COVID, an outrageous amount of hatred over politics, wildfires didn’t destroy half of a country, I can’t even think of what else has happened in the last year. It seems like too much for any one year to hold. I feel like somehow I’m trying to erase any feelingsI have at all about any of it. Perhaps that has left me feeling empty.

The problem with being who I am, is that I tend to take the perceived emotions of those around me, even those seen on the internet and TV, and turn them into my own feelings. Feeling the despair and anger of an entire country, it seems, takes a pretty deep toll. I wish I could only worry about the things that affect me in a direct manner but it just doesn’t seem possible. Perhaps that is faulty wiring sparking somewhere in my brain. It seems easier to feel nothing than feel overwhelmed by feeling everything.

It usually just leaves me confused and hopeless a lot of the time.

I wish I even had someone to talk to that understood how I feel so I can feel not alone in feeling this way. I’m sure that I am not, however, in my kingdom of isolation I have built even better and stronger in the last year, it seems that way. Everyone is so angry and busy all the time and all I want to do is slow down and feel the quiet and really enjoy it for everything that it is. I want to feel passion for the things I enjoy again and excitement at what possibilities may open up even next week.

It’s become impossible to feel either one of those things. I post motivational quotes hoping I can jar myself back to life but it just seems like a pointless effort more and more every day. I’m still trying, I don’t want to feel this way. I have a wonderful fiancé, two adorable dogs, two teenagers, a good job, a nice house, my bills are paid…but it still just feels like I’m missing something. Some fight I had for life before, to live it and breathe it and experience it in every way and be the best person I could be…all that seems to be gone. And that has left me lacking in many areas of my life for all the people around me who just want more from me than I can seem to give.

I’m going to keep trying. Some days it seems a mountain I could never climb, some days it feels more achievable. Maybe I should try my hardest to believe my fiancé who keeps saying the world has to get better at some point. We shall see.