I Would Rather Be In Bed

Its strange, where insight sometimes comes from. 

I did something silly, so innocuous, I got up from the chair I was sitting in as I ate my lunch and threw my phone in my scrub jacket pocket as I always do…but in my left pocket instead of my right. 

The weight is the same no matter which side it’s on, left or right, but it being in my left pocket felt awkward and like I was off balance. I moved my phone over to my right pocket and all felt right in the world again. This is not some inane commentary on how to make sure you always put your phone in the same pocket so you don’t feel weird, but quite more philosophical than that. 

The weight of a phone in my pocket is hardly comparable to that of a watermelon but if you think about it, if I traded my phone for a grapefruit, it might feel heavier for a little bit but eventually, carrying that weight would become normal. Then trade that out for a cantaloupe and the same process would begin again. One day, carrying the equal weight of a watermelon in your pocket would not only feel normal but…right. Like the loss of it would make you feel like something isn’t right. When my phone isn’t in my pocket, I know. And I know it’s somewhere it shouldn’t be and I need to find it. The weight I carry in my pocket isn’t necessary to everyday life, but it’s become a normalcy to me, one I feel wrong without. 

It made me think about the weight of things we carry around with us every single day. Failed job opportunities. Missed a kids soccer game. Financial stress. The project you’re working on just won’t come out right. Loss of income. Health detriments. Chronic pain or injuries. Chronic mental health issues. Social medias never ending anger tirade. Your 43rd failed attempt at diet and exercising and the extra weight you’ve put on. At first, any of these weights we pile on ourselves feel awkward, heavy, and wrong. Time passes, so little it takes, really, and one day the sadness from working through 4 of your kids soccer games just becomes a normal part of who you are. Your financial stress becomes less of a immediate crisis and transitions into a character trait. A back injury that use to cause stress and worry and feelings of hopelessness now would feel weird if you didn’t wake up with that pain every day. 

Every disappointment. Every hardship. Every sadness…just piles onto the weight you carry every day. It feels weird for a little bit, but then you adjust. And just like that, every bad feeling you’ve ever felt, every sadness, you suddenly wouldn’t know what to do without. It would feel more awkward now to take it off. Perhaps this is why self work is so difficult. To feel an emptiness where before there was something feels…wrong, and we hurry to pick back up our burdens, even if they prevent us from feeling joy. Joy is hard to feel. It just is. It’s taking your watermelon out of your pocket and trying to figure out how to stand up straight again. It’s work. It’s hard work. It’s easier to keep carrying our problems then try and put them down. Especially the ones we have been carrying for a long time and feel as normal as wearing clothes.