I Would Rather Be In Bed

sometimes my heart bleeds…and i don’t know why

sometimes my chest aches…and i don’t know why

sometimes my head hurts…and i don’t know why

sometimes my soul is filled up to the brim with heaviness…and i don’t know why

sometimes i want to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs in anger and rage…and i don’t know why

sometimes i want to run until i physically can’t move a single muscle in my body…and i don’t know why

sometimes i want to cry no matter how much i know i never will…and i don’t know why

sometimes i have to smile and act like everything is fine, and it’s absolutely the most exhausting thing i have ever done in my life

sometimes i wish i could rip myself open and let one person inside so they could understand, but i could never hand someone the key to the chaos inside me

sometimes i want to put a thousand miles between me and anyone i could hurt with all of this, but i just want someone to know i need them there despite my protests

sometimes i want to understand how i can be fine one day and completely broken the next

sometimes i just want to give up

my head hurts

my chest aches

i can’t breathe

and i just want to quit falling apart

sometimes i want to be the cared for, not the giver of the care, and not feel guilty, just once

sometimes, all the time, i am too afraid that whispering that out to the universe makes me sound too insanely selfish to exist in it

sometimes i wonder if all this pain stretched so tightly over every inch of me is enough to actually pull me under

sometimes i wonder if one day it will win

sometimes i think that i’m strong enough to keep it far enough away

sometimes though, just sometimes, i am not so sure

sometimes i think that i can’t possibly be worth another minute of effort from anyone, not even myself