I Would Rather Be In Bed

It’s difficult being the girl who wants to make sure the world knows she “has it all together”. It’s exhausting. From the moment the alarm goes off in the morning until the creeping way too late hours of the night she pushes past breaking points and meltdowns for the sake of…who knows anymore.

The girls out there who are happy to sit back be done for is a concept that we cannot even fathom in the slightest. Why wait and let someone else do it when you can clearly do it yourself? It doesn’t compute. We are not made with such thoughts in our minds. Except, as we lay exhausted in our beds at night, we would love, for just once, someone to do the laundry. Plan dinners, go to the grocery store, pay the bills…anything. The second it’s offered, however, we can never say yes.

No.

Absurd.

We are obviously in control of every aspect of our lives and do not need help, thank you very much.

I find myself cinching my grip tighter every day on my life. I can do it myself has become a mantra, a chorus, a simple what is.

I spent so many years feeling like I had no control over anything in my life and slowly, I found this fire inside myself. I used it and spread it across every inch of my life to burn away any help that was proffered my way. No, I wanted…needed…to do all of this myself to prove that maybe, just maybe, I could redeem all the damage I’d done.

I can fix all my damage and I can fix all yours too if you’ll give me a minute.

It’s taking it’s toll.

It’s cutting rivulets into little spaces of my sanity. I can feel myself losing my grip on things I once held together with ease. The exhaustion has become extreme.

The list in my head of things to accomplish daily has become overwhelming but it MUST be done. There is no other option. I MUST prove that I don’t screw things up any more. At least, that’s what the little voices in my head that creep around tell me.

Some days though, I want to put those little pushy voices to bed, and take a nap instead though.

Those women in your life may be the strongest you know…but my god are they tired.