I Would Rather Be In Bed

Facing the monster inside yourself is a sobering and humbling moment in time.

In reality you may think you’ve caged and quieted them a hundred times over. Locked them away and thrown away the key in some dark ocean depths never to be found again. Then the moment comes and you realize the door you hid them behind was simply your own denial that they existed. Masked simply with a smile and an illusion.

One night, you find yourself sitting with shaking hands and heart racing as you face the bitter reality that they’ve grown stronger and louder than they’ve ever been before as you refused to acknowledge they even existed.

It’s the sobering moments of quietly breaking apart that you acknowledge the damage you’ve done.

Is it too much? Have you gone too far? Can you swallow it all down and find your grace again? Is there any forgiveness for the sins you’ve left written out in blood all around you?

The beautiful people in your life are going to carry you through. They’re going to tell you it’s okay. They’re going to tell you that it wasn’t your fault. You’re going to carry the weight of the guilt in their forgiveness. For their pain, for their grace, for the quiet perseverance to wait while you put the pieces of your scattered self back in place.

Even so, you’ll feel their scars every time they give you their shoulders to lean on. Every time you stumble along the way they’ll lift you up and you’ll feel it, but they’ll smile, because they’re the ones who see you through.

It’s not the times when you dismiss your behavior behind this door of anxiety and that proclamation of depression and that makes it all okay. Hiding behind a diagnosis doesn’t make the damage you cause any more acceptable. Once you turn around and see the path of destruction laid bare behind you there’s not much you can do about the past, but there is responsibility to be taken for the future.

A tempering of your own pattern of behavior, a measuring of your own inner anxieties. It’s time to find your own strength again and the willpower to take control of your own life. It’s no one else’s job to tread lightly because of your own fragility. Get out the super glue, put your armor back on, and go back out to battle instead of hiding inside your own mind. Nobody ever won any wars inside their own fortress.

It’s time to pick up the sword. Take a deep breath. Remember that you are stronger than the things that chased you back inside this pit and go out and face them again. You may earn some battle scars and face some losses at times, but it’s better than not living at all behind a wall of fear while others fight your battles for you.

If you want to cause some damage, be the winner, not the quitter. Don’t retreat…

Advance.