I Would Rather Be In Bed

Fear

It’s funny, I’ve had this one word sitting on a page for days now. Thinking about it. Considering it. Looking at it. I had every intention of making this post and expounding upon how I’ve faced so many of my fears and how very few fears I truly have left in this life.

Driving too fast. Climbing too high. Standing in the line of fire of people much larger than myself. These are all things that I give not a second thought to. Better me than someone else is usually my thought. If there is a risk involved I am usually involved. Spending my time proving, by no conscious admission, that I can face anything.

Then.

I realized.

That is far from true.

I have a handful of pills I have to take everyday to make me normal that prove otherwise. Maybe I don’t fear for things that threaten my life, per se. However, at the the threat of one ounce of ill will, foul word, or physical harm towards anyone I care about and you will see fear. It will take the mask of anger as I protect those that I love but at the root of it all, is fear.

Most of all, I fear losing those in my life I am close to. By any means.

Fear, it seems, is much more present in my life than I cared to admit to myself.

Fear that I will have to let go of the people I care about for any number of reasons. And I am tired. I am so tired of losing people. I want to be worth keeping around for another day, another week, another month…

Maybe the real fear is…I’m not good enough…

The problem with fear is it’s just a festering tumor in the back of your mind, feeding your demons, and starving your growth. Leaving you blinded and too tired to keep questioning what the truth is anymore.

Check your fear at the door, tell it we’re going to have a little hope today. Hope that maybe, just maybe, it’s going to be okay this time.