I Would Rather Be In Bed

I’ve spent a fair amount of my life feeling like I’ve made the worst decisions possible.

I think in a lot of ways, a lot of people feel that way. I could write a dissertation and bore you to actual tears with all of them but I’ll skip that for the sake of time and hopes you’ll actually keep reading. Let’s just say, history speaks for itself in my case. Life has been hard from me but honestly, it’s mostly my own fault.

I’ve literally got my black belt and world championship and maybe a world record or two in knowing that I probably am making the wrong choice but swallowing the red pill every damn time. Staying in the matrix is really not all that bad. I’m not feeling like joining any rebellions, thanks so much Morpheus. Stop giving me choices. GIVE ME THE BLUE PILL!

I digress.

You see, the problem is, I’m getting old. Well, at least the age when you’re a kid you THINK is old. I’m going to be thirty-eight this year. Which, when you’re like eight years old you think your parents are basically going to pass away any second at that age. However, when you’re about to turn thirty-eight, you still are trying to feel like you’re twenty-eight. Fun facts, that is not possible anymore but definitely not dropping dead any second either.

Regardless, I’m going to be thirty-eight, my first kid just graduated high school, my youngest is going to be a junior this year, and I’m starting to look at life on the other side of raising kids and wondering what that looks like for me. (You do the math and guess how old I was when I had my firstborn, common core or old school math, dealer’s choice.) Of course, I’m always going to be a mom, that never changes. But, not being responsible for every aspect of their lives suddenly leaves an opening for time for me to have more time for my own kind of life. Which, I’ve never really had before.

I’ve had significant others here and there; we don’t need to explore the beginning and endings of those. They don’t really matter now. (Remember those…choices? LOL)

Fact remains, the time has come that I want to breathe and focus on myself now. I want to fill spaces with my own wants and needs which I feel like have always had to be pushed to the side to make way for ultimately at least the needs and wants of my children which I do not regret in the least. However, I did have children young (another one of those poor choices I mentioned), and I gave it my all. They have always come first.

Even now, it’s hard to say I want to put myself first once my youngest is graduated and stable in her college or working life, whichever she chooses. I feel like it’s so conditioned to continually put yourself to the side and always put others needs before your own. But; I’ve spent nearly half my life doing that already. And being an ER nurse, that is also literally my job as well.

I’ve only within just the past few years started paying to get my hair done, a massage, get my lashes done, because it always felt wasteful to spend money on that when there might be something my children needed instead. But; my kids needs are always more than taken care of. In fact, I think I overcompensate my children’s needs because of some work-related mom guilt I allow to consume me such as long work hours, weekend work hours, overtime work hours, missed games, events, and so on.

Social media fuels the mom guilt tenfold always seeing some mom doing it better, happier, with better pictures as proof, and balancing it all like a bon-a-fide pro.

Well, let me tell you something, today’s society is not set up for working moms to succeed these days. Someone who appears to be doing it better is either Facebook faking or has far more support than you do and that’s just the damn truth. I’m thankful for all the help and hands I’ve had raising my children and I can’t imagine having to do it absolutely alone and I am in awe of anyone who manages to do it and stay sane. It’s literally the hardest job on earth and the one anyone should be the most proud of. And I am so, so proud of the humans I’ve grown and guided despite every single mistake I’ve made along the way.

Now, I’ve felt this definite scratching at the back of my brain for exploring me. To fill my cup up to the fullest with everything I can do and be with the things that I find the most fulfilling and happiest. Again, feeling like I have to qualify that with the statement that my children make me very happy. That should be obvious but feeling like if I don’t say it some Karen will light me up for not. There are multiple ways in life one can feel fulfilled and happy. It’s time now though, to find the other things in life that bring me joy as within the next few years my children will be making their way into their own lives and while they’ll always need their mother, it won’t be as front and center as it has been in their lives to this point.

I don’t want to lose myself to the despair of empty nesting in a few years. Instead, I want to flourish. I just have to find the path. For now, I’m not sure where that leads, but I’m looking forward to finding and hoping that for ONCE, I choose the blue pill this time. Because that damn red pill has been the bane of my existence. Hopefully, life has slapped enough sense in me by now I’ll avoid the red pills, red flags, red signs, in fact, I have real aversion to the color red in general at this point.

Blue is actually my favorite color. I’m not really sure what my problem is. Am I actually colorblind? Time will tell.