I Would Rather Be In Bed

Strange sensations of pain and weightlessness fill my chest these days.

Regret.

Relief.

Strange puzzle pieces fitting together in ways I don’t yet understand but have to keep together as a seeming forcefield against the past.

It’s strange to let go of a dream when you’ve been told your whole life to chase your dreams but never to let go and walk away from them. Perhaps because the idea that your dreams could hurt you would never be one to guard against. Dreams aren’t supposed to be painful. Hard to achieve, exhausting, hard work, persistence, perhaps, but not cost you pieces of who you are. Not standing there in the dark so many times asking your dreams to please, please…listen, understand.

Oy vey.

It seems when you’ve persisted, overcome so many obstacles in your life that there is just one achievement in life that remains elusive.

Perhaps it’s that you give up too much of yourself, push too much of yourself to the side in the beginning. Then, when you’re tired, when you need more, and ask for it…it’s not there to be given. You finally realize that should have been a requirement from the beginning. It’s too late now. They’re too used to taking. The turmoil to keep them happy. The stress to feel happy yourself. The critical mass has been reached; the breaking point has been met.

I’ve retreated. I’ve pulled in the troops. The casualties have been too great, the loss too substantial. I’ve pulled back again too deep into myself.

Regret.

Relief.

Oy vey.

The time wasted. The life changed. The stress lifted. The peace found again.

Regret.

Relief.

Oy vey.

I can’t become that person again. I can’t go back; I can’t shave off pieces of my soul until it’s raw again. But the regret of what’s lost weighs heavily on my back, dragging my progress forward to a crawl.

However, the relief of choosing to love myself again feels like fresh air in my lungs, making me feel lighter than air.

Regret.

Relief.

Oy vey.

Loneliness, or freedom?

I guess the perspective comes from behind the viewing glass.