I Would Rather Be In Bed

My mind feels worn and stretched, like it’s pulled too tight across the hollow of a drum. Inside the hollow my mind rattles uselessly, creating a useless amount of noise that amounts to nothing. Gets me nowhere. Solves no problems. Just useless, ceaseless, noise.

I’m tired.

I just want to go to sleep. I want the dreams to go away. I want to feel sure of one thing, anything in my life. I want the constant worry and anxiety that everything in my life is slipping away to go away. I want to quit feeling like I’m screwing everything up. I want to quit screwing everything up. I want to take a deep breath and just let go and just have some goddamn faith for once that maybe it’s going to be okay if I just give the people in my life some room to breathe.

Jesus Christ.

Why can’t it just be quiet?

Why can’t the drum just stop beating?

Why can’t I just be small and quiet and easy for once in my pathetic life?

My panic has sunk it’s claws in too deep and choked the life and patience out of everything in it’s path and why shouldn’t it? Please, give me happiness then watch me strangle it to death all on my own. I’m so good at that.

I’m absolutely perfectly useless in every way.

How does everyone else keep it so perfectly together while I’m so busy being a natural disaster?

I just want to sleep. And wake up and not feel like everything is slipping away and like I have to chase it and drag it back like my entire life depends on it. I’m exhausted, I can’t breathe, I don’t want to lose anymore…