I Would Rather Be In Bed

I’ve guarded my heart and my soul in many places and spaces, held tight onto the corners and wrapped all the edges around me. Stayed low to the ground to avoid my fear of heights. Who could possibly protect me better…than me? If you keep your feet on the ground there’s not chance of falling, right? So, don’t get in the plane.

You don’t remember that look, that smile, that one tiny moment in time that I play over and over in my mind. It was nothing. A blink, a errant, flitting thing. One glance my way, out of the corner of your eye, the light was just right, your eyes were every shade of perfect, and your smile was all for me. I don’t know why, don’t ask me, but that…that one. The ground slipped out from under me. Something slid into place, the knocked something free I’d been holding back for a long time.

Something no one else had been allowed to have.

I couldn’t even tell you when it was, what day, what time, or what we were doing or talking about. All that is burned permanently in my mind is the way you turned your head, the way you looked at me, that smile, your hand holding mine, and those god damned eyes. I remember, that moment, knowing that something inside me was suddenly yours and I didn’t want it back. The ground may have slid out from under me, but you already had ahold of me long before that. I was already flying and I didn’t even know it.

I haven’t felt at peace, so calm, looking forward to my future. Until you reached inside and broke me free of the cage I had hidden myself in long ago. I always thought I was going to be okay, I had all of this handled until you. I realized I’d been holding my breath the entire time. Waiting for it all to fall apart. You remind me to breathe, because I got this, but you’re always there if I fall. I’ve never thought forward, only existing to the next day. Pure survival mode.

Then, that look, that smile, and I thought maybe…just maybe, I could just live. We could just live. And things would be okay.

I don’t think people hold onto those memories enough. There are always moments when things are tough and times get dark. Or perhaps, even, people don’t take the time to make those memories enough. Caught up in gossip and memes, I am far from not guilty, they forget to pause and really look at the person next to them.

Soak them in. Feel blessed.

Watch the way they smile when they look at you. Breathe them in. Then kiss them until you can’t breathe anymore. Close your eyes and feel their fingerprints on your skin. Memorize the way their hands move and the way they walk. Let the sound of their voice be the calm in your storm. Feel every single glowing ounce of love in every quiet I love you. Make their arms your home and their hands your lifeline. Love them hard. When times are tough, love them harder.

Remember, always remember that look, that moment when you knew you gave yourself away because you couldn’t hold it back anymore. The moment you trusted them to hold onto you and not let go.

Quiet and I often go hand in hand. I have a lot to say with a pen in my hand, often not so much without. But I can tell you this, there isn’t a single line of blue in his hands I don’t have memorized, there isn’t an inch of his face I can’t recall with perfect clarity. I know exactly how he moves his hands when he talks, the way he walks, and I can tell you all about that look, that day, with that smile, and how he won a battle he didn’t even know he was fighting against my own fear of flying.

Turns out he’s a pretty good pilot.