I Would Rather Be In Bed

There’s a moment when it all settles in. When the dust clears and the demons quiet again.

Your soul reaches a place of peace.

I thread my fingers through the threads of my life and there are some snags here and there but in the grand scheme of things they are minute and matter very little. Because every day we make choices, choices to love and let ourselves be loved. A choice to calm our minds and let our souls rest in the comfort of those who hold us close or to let the dark consume us.

We are creatures of comfort and habit, both are not necessary and both are difficult to break when they no longer serve us or cause us pain.

We also like to serve others. Letting people go, even those who repeatedly cause us pain, is something we find difficult on an extreme level. It’s a flaw in all of us, we think we can fix them. Any of our friends, family, or significant others, for an extended period of time, can tell us we are wrong but until we see it ourselves, we will reject the very idea, convinced we are right. Ah, emotions. We will let ourselves suffer for as long as it takes for one second of gratification, until eventually, that person abandons us completely. Then, we are wrecked for months as if we are blindsided and didn’t see it coming. Friends, relationships, even family members, they all do it to us. We let them.

It’s completely masochistic.

Yet, we do it over and over and over.

Until we stain our souls and our hearts to what seems almost beyond repair.

Then one day it just happens. You stop and evaluate your life and you realize that maybe things are settling into place. Perhaps, just this once, things are working out. Not every single thing is dropping into place like the pieces of a puzzle, oh no, that would be too easy. But the big things. The things that cut your heart in pieces and leave you bleeding. Those things.

Maybe your friends aren’t lining the walls of a gymnasium but the few you have are fierce and would do anything for you the second you asked and actually keep the secrets you entrust them with. Maybe that heart that holds yours doesn’t ask anything more of you than a little happiness and a little adventure through the rest of this life. Maybe, just maybe, you can trust in yourself because after all, you’ve made it through everything else, how could you not make it through today?

And maybe, oh maybe, if you can just have a little faith in yourself, find a little peace in your soul, you can rest knowing all that other stuff will find a way because it always does. It always will.

So let’s break our habits of thinking it’s never going to work out for us. Let’s break our habit of thinking we aren’t good enough or aren’t going to be enough.

Because maybe, this time, we are. Maybe, this time, it’s our time.