I Would Rather Be In Bed

I can feel myself slipping again.

That gaping pit below me, I can see it and feel it.

I thought I was free of it, I thought this was the time I was really going to be good and it was going to last, be sustainable. This was going to be the end. I want to scream in frustration. Instead, I just sit in frustrated, silent, defeat. Am I ever going to be free of this? This boiling, bubbling pit of misery and anger. It’s ruining me.

I want to tell you that I need you and I want to keep you as far away from the path of destruction as possible. I don’t know which I need and I don’t know which will hurt you less. All I know is I hurt and I don’t know why.

You know, I think that’s the most frustrating part of all of this.

I never know why.

Why me? What did I do? I’m a good person…mostly.

People always ask what they can do to help and I don’t know. People always ask what’s wrong and I don’t know. It just hurts. I’m just angry. I just can’t breathe sometimes. I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know why everything should be fine and I’m falling apart. I don’t know why by every thing measurable I should be happy and I’m sitting here crying.

I don’t know.

I just need you to hold me and tell me it’s okay and that for once it’s not an inconvenience to someone that I’m broken. That the cracks inside my brain don’t ruin everyones life. I know being broken is the worst thing I could be and I’m trying to fix me, lord only knows I’m trying. When I fall though, I just want someone to catch me. I want to stop feeling guilty. I just…

I don’t know.

I’m sorry.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be better. I don’t know how to tell you I’m not. I don’t know how to tell you I need you. I don’t know how to tell you that you should run. I don’t know how to protect you from me and keep you at the same time. I don’t want to fall all the way down, but I don’t know how to tell you I don’t know what’s wrong, just that I need you.

So I’ll just write, because I don’t know what else to do.