I Would Rather Be In Bed

The words stick in my throat. Heavy. Feeling foreign even though I utter them so freely, so frequently, so loosely daily to many of those who pass by in my life.

Fear lingers around every syllable. Fear that saying it makes it real. Fear that they’ll be the next weapon of choice in the never ending battle of life. Once the words escape then lines are crossed and breaths are held and I lay vulnerable. So easily can a heart be shattered. So easily can that band around my chest squeeze so tightly I can’t catch my breath. With a passing moment the words can suddenly turn to ash in my mouth.

Say it. Out loud.

I can’t.

What if? What if? What if? The price is too high. But so is the reward. Two ends of a tug of war where you either fall or you fly. There is no in-between. Nausea. Palpitations. Perspiration. Another line and this would be a rap song. Breathe. It sounds so simple but why does it seem so difficult? Once those words are tossed out into the abyss they are impossible to take back. The thoughts swirl in my head as I look to the source of consternation and awe, just little stolen glances. Words that fit together so closely…dancing just on the tip of my tongue…

Say it. Out loud.

I can’t.

I can’t be rejected. I can’t lose again. What if? What if? What if? What if it’s everything and I’m scared of that too? Isn’t it odd? A regular old fashioned mystery, that the very thing we spend so much time chasing, the second it may be in reach…a hesitation. Why? Is it because it’s too good to be true? What does it say of humanity that we have been kicked down so many times that when we have everything we want in reach…we pause?

Say it. Out loud.

I can’t.

I see it, reflected back at me. Waiting, waiting, waiting… Patient, as ever, as always. Waiting as I closet my fears and dismiss my anxieties. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. Still, the waiting remains. Fingers threaded. Quiet patience. Demanding nothing, always accepting what is. I feel it there, settled, warm…knowing… Every look in that direction confirms it.

Say it. Out loud.

I will.

Tonight?

I can’t.

Then when?

Time waits for no one. Infinities pass as I contemplate my own intricate nonsense. No time exists but this time. This minute. Now. No more pauses.

Just live…even if it might hurt later.

Because what if…what if…it doesn’t?