I Would Rather Be In Bed

I was not a girl made of subtlety. I was built of grand gestures and strong will. I cross lines and speak my mind entirely too much for my own good. When I am angry the Lord himself can feel my rage and I make no apology for the way I bleed when I’ve been cut. When the dust settles and the air clears I apologize for the damage my storm has caused but not for the words bled out, nor for the emotions laid raw. I do not apologize for being human. 

No, I was not a girl made of subtlety. When my heart is caught and tangled around I love hard, with all that I have. I withhold nothing to the peril of my own self preservation. Too many times I’ve been left sweeping up the shattered pieces of a broken heart and taping back together the sharpened pieces that make me harder to love for the next smile that turns my way. Leaving me bare and broken, wondering what good could possibly really be good. 

I always thought I was so good at hiding in the shadows of my own darkness, staying lost in the fringes. Silence, it seems, speaks the loudest of troubled minds and sleepless nights. The bottom is much lower than you ever think it’s going to be. It’s there you have to face everything you’ve become, every dark demon inside your own mind that whispers hate and horror and hides you from the light. There is no subtlety in pain. It demands to be seen. It demands an audience. It demands everything that you are. 

Light, however, it knows subtle. Just one star in the night sky, winking down ever so humbly. Reminding you that hope is there if you’re willing to look up. If you’re willing to drag yourself out of the depths of your own despair. One small little reason to have faith, to hold on, until you let your eyes wander and more stars appear. Light appears little by little, that weight on your chest gets lighter, and you find the strength to silence the whispers in your mind. 

I am bruised

I am broken

I am used

I am worthless

I am unworthy

The sun light graces the horizon and the weight falls away. 

I am healing

I am good

I am trying

I am blessed

I am worth it

No, I wasn’t a girl made for subtlety. I am a girl made to be loved out loud. I am a girl made to dance in the rain and get excited over a good book and cry at the most ridiculous movies. I am a girl who loves coffee and tacos entirely too much. I am a girl who sings too loud even though I shouldn’t and laughs and hikes and travels and LIVES. Life isn’t made to be subtle, and neither should you be. 

I am a nurse, but I am not just a nurse. I am a writer, but I am not just a writer. I am a mother, but I am not just a mother. I am a friend, but I am not just a friend. I am a daughter, a sister, a lover of travel, books, music, movies, rain, food, beaches, stars, sunsets, sunrises…of so many things. I love hard the people who matter most in my life. I have depression and anxiety and even allergies, but I am not made up of just one of any of those things. I found myself drowning in the darkness and I forgot that I wasn’t just that. I fought hard to find myself again. 

If you ever find yourself drowning in one phase of your life and you think for one second that’s all that you possibly are. Stop. Breathe. Take stock. You are never just one thing. Scream meaning into every inch of your life. You were not made to be subtle.